What Do You Want — and Why Does It Matter? The 3-Step Way Out of Complaining

Well, hello there, my friend.

Jonathan Doyle with you once again.

This is the Daily Podcast.

You are in the right place.

If there is anything in you that wants to grow, change, improve, reach more

people, bless more people, better relationships, health, whatever it is,

business, you are in the right place because today you and I are gonna

talk about something really useful.

I did an episode just a few days ago.

If you haven't heard it, it's all about the terrible risks that come from

complaining, because if you complain, it becomes a lens which builds a life.

I love that line.

I came up with it in the episode.

I hope you get to hear it.

If you complain all the time, it becomes a lens by which you see the world,

and that lens eventually becomes your life, 'cause complainers eventually

build a very specific kind of life.

So rather than talk again about the risks and dangers of complaining, what

I wanna talk about is what I teach people when I catch them complaining,

is I give them a very simple strategy.

It's not mine.

It's been around for a long time.

I wanna honor the great men and women who thought it up before me, but it's

powerful, it's useful, it's simple, and it's got three really simple steps.

So once you decide that you're no longer gonna complain, what are you

actually gonna do with your problems?

Because until you stop breathing, you are going to have them.

They can be small ones, they can be dramatic ones.

Probably like you, I've had my share of both sizes, right?

From I, I paid for this coffee and it tastes terrible, small problem, to

absolutely life-changing things that when they happened, I was like, "Oh, wow.

Oh, wow!"

Really, you live long enough, you kinda, you go through it all.

And so here I am now thinking, well, if we're not gonna

complain, what are we gonna do?

What we're gonna do is three simple things, and these are very useful.

So maybe you got a problem at the moment.

Maybe there's something you know you've been whining and complaining about and

I wanna take that power away today.

Um, it's like taking toys away and throwing them out of the cot.

You're not getting them back, okay?

It's not happening.

We're gonna use a new strategy and we're gonna focus on three things.

Instead of complaining, I want to, I want you to focus on something else.

First, what is it that you actually do want?

'Cause if you're complaining, you're really good at pointing

out what you don't want.

"I don't like this person.

I don't like what they said.

I don't like how they treated me.

I don't like how this thing's going.

I don't like that." Fine.

I get it.

I heard you.

In fact, everybody's heard you.

In fact, no one's gonna tell you this, but probably there's more than one or

two people are probably a bit tired of hearing about it, just between you and me.

So we know what you don't want.

We know what you're complaining about.

So let's ask you a better question.

What do you actually want?

And it could be general, like, "Well, I don't want people to treat me this

way." Well, that's a good start.

Maybe you want something really different.

You wanna have a different way of being treated, or maybe you've gotta

get specific on the actual outcome.

Until you are clear on what it is you do want, you're just gonna

keep complaining, getting more of what you're already getting.

People do not like this.

They hate this about personal development because they're like,

"Well, this is ridiculous. Life's more complex than that." Cool.

You go and do your complex life.

I'm gonna go and do one over here that actually conforms to reality

and gets transformative results.

That's what I'm gonna do.

If you don't like this, if you're, if you've got family and friends like, "Well,

this stuff's ridiculous, you can't just think your way out of this," yes, you can.

The human brain is the most remarkable creation in the cosmos.

It, it has led to the most, well, some awful things in the world, in history,

but some pretty amazing stuff too.

So back your brain, friend, because it wants to help you if

you will just get on your own side.

What do you actually want?

Step one.

Can I tell you this?

You're not gonna believe me when I tell you, but I promise you, after

decades of being on live stages around the world to more than 600,000 people

and coaching executives and people all over the world, I can tell you, most

people never even get to this step.

It is so much easier to spend your life pointing the metaphorical

finger at everything that makes you marginally uncomfortable than it

actually is to go, "You know what?

I'm done with complaining.

I want this.

I deserve this.

This is the thing I want.

I'm clear on it.

I'm going after this thing That is step one.

You have to get there.

You want a transformed life?

What do you want?

Not what you don't want, what do you actually want to be different?

Second, part two, what is important about that to you?

This is the emotional aspect.

The first step allows you to clarify clearly what it is that you want,

but it's the second step that gives you the emotional, psychological

energy to actually make it happen.

Without that piece, it's an abstract, metaphysical, rational concept that

might make a lot of sense, but without the passionate, emotional, spiritual,

psychological energy behind it, you're not gonna get transformative change.

What does it mean?

What do you want?

Number one.

Second, why does it matter?

Why does it matter?

And you can have a whole range of reasons.

You've just gotta find the reason that works for you, okay?

That works for you.

And it could be, "Well, I want to be treated better because I want a more

passionate life and great people around me, and I wanna live more fully, and,

and I don't wanna be treated this way.

And this is why it matters, because I'm not prepared to spend one more day less

than getting what I deserve from the people closest to me." And you gotta

have that passionate energy behind it.

And the third step is what do you actually do next?

The action step.

And so often what happens is people are hunting around, sort of snuffling

around, looking for the action strategy, when they've never really

decided what it is they actually wanna make happen, and they've never really

given themselves enough time to think about why it's important to them.

See, the strategy will find-- you will find the strategy.

And the reason you'll find it is because now with the internet, you can find

somebody in the world who's had the same problem I'll give you an example.

I've recently, I don't know why I did this, but I watched the Robert Pattinson

version of Batman, the most recent one.

I, I, I kinda think next time I would prefer to just get a pair of pliers

and just quietly remove a couple of my fingernails, 'cause I was dying.

I'm here going… It goes for, like, three and a half hours, and all of it made

me wanna bang my head against the wall.

I'm just sitting there going, "Really?" Like… And then I, I went to AI and

I said, "What reviews did this get?"

And the AI's going, "Really positive reviews.

It was really great, and everybody said it was this." And

I'm there going, "Must be me.

Like, it must be me.

It must be…" And then I went onto YouTube and I just… I think

I typed something basically like, "The new Batman sucks," or something

probably a little bit more direct.

And all of a sudden there were all these shorts and videos where, you

know, a lot of film critics were going, "This is the worst movie ever.

Like, there are so many problems with this film." And I'm suddenly going, "Yes!

I'm not alone.

I'm not alone in this great big empty cosmos.

There are people who understand my pain."

What is my point?

The fact is, there was people out there with common experience.

And so the strategy part of whatever you wanna change, you're gonna be able to

find, whether it's a book, a conversation, a, an Instagram Reel, a YouTube video, a,

a Substack, you are gonna find some way of figuring out how somebody else did this.

Strategy is not your problem.

You will find it, and you might have to try a few different ones.

But the, the real heavy lifting is, what do I want?

Why does it matter?

All right.

There you go.

That's it.

You don't have to make this complex.

It doesn't have to be a two-hour episode.

Don't complain anymore.

Ask yourself, when you find yourself ever complaining, ask yourself a

better question, "What do I really want, and why does it matter?"

And then you'll find a strategy.

Okay?

That simple.

I'm doing another one of these tomorrow, so make sure you've subscribed.

Hit that subscribe button.

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Shorts on YouTube, Jonathan Doyle Speaks.

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the website, jonathandoyle.co.

God bless you, my friend.

You and I are gonna talk again tomorrow