How To Help Teenagers And Young People Build Resilience

Well, hey there, Jonathan Doyle with you here.

Thanks so much for taking a moment to listen to this very short video.

Audio live recording from a recent session I did with a fantastic group

of young people here in Dallas, Texas.

I was asked to come in to speak to a few hundred students on the

issue of resilience, how we can grow in resilience, why it matters.

We start with a great definition.

We go on to how resilience can help us to really flourish in life.

And then I want to provide a bunch of really practical strategies at

the end of how we can definitely develop resilience in our life.

All right, that's it for me.

At the end of this live recording, I'll pop back and give you some more details.

But for now, I hope this will be useful to you, whether you're a parent, whether

a young person, I just hope that this message is going to help you realize

why we are capable of extraordinary resilience, why it matters, And how

to go about making it a reality.

Sit back, relax, enjoy, I'll speak to you again soon.

friends, you will forget most of what I say, so whenever I'm presenting, I try

and give people what I call a through line, which is something to remember.

I just call it the big if.

The big if wants you to remember that if there was something that I could

teach you in the next 30 minutes.

If.

There was something that I could teach you in the next 30 minutes

that would help you now, that would help you to flourish in the future,

because you do need to understand there are very successful people in

the world who do particular things.

It is up to you if you find out what they do and do those things.

I can't make you do it.

I'll be gone on Thursday, but I'm going to show you what they are.

If I could show you that, would it be useful to you?

That's the big if question.

I'm going to show you something.

Would it be useful to you if you could learn this inside 30 minutes?

We're going to record this, we'll give you a recording of it, I'll

send you a PDF document with the highlights, and if I get time, I'll

do a quick video to reinforce it.

But, here's what I want to offer you.

You heard Miss, uh, introduce before she said we're going to

talk about a particular word.

I think when you heard that word, even if you heard it, your brain probably went,

Meh, like, I don't think anybody here woke up this morning thinking to themselves,

If only Somebody would travel 10, 000 miles to speak to us about resilience.

You did not have that thought this morning.

In fact, within the last week, none of you in this room have probably

used the word in a sentence.

We don't think about it.

It's a weird word.

Why would they bring me all this way to talk about it?

Resilience.

Why does it matter?

Four questions.

Here they are.

They're very quick.

You'll hear them a few times.

Number one.

What is resilience?

Why would you want it?

Why is it hard to get?

And how do you get it?

We're going to hit four questions really fast while

simultaneously watching the time.

We'll What is resilience?

Why would you want it?

Why is it much harder to get?

Because there are reasons it's really hard for you to get at the moment.

We'll touch on them briefly.

Because that's a threat.

You would want to know why it's hard.

You would want to know why huge numbers of people are not resilient.

I'll explain that to you, and finally, the best part would just be, I'm

going to show you how to do it.

Can't make you do it, but you'll never be able to say, No one ever

told me how to get more resilient.

Okay, it's up to you what you do with it.

So friends, first question, what is resilience?

I'm going to give you two definitions.

Number one is a scientific definition.

When I first started teaching this, I was like, I better give the people a good

definition because it's abstract, right?

It's abstract.

It's like, it's a weird, fuzzy term.

So I give you a good definition, and there's one we give

you straight from science.

So it's actually a scientific term.

Listen to it.

This is as complex as I'll get today.

The capability of a strained body or object to recover its size and

shape after deformation, especially caused by compressive stress.

What does it mean?

You take an object, example like this, that's not compressive

stress, we're expanding it, but you understand that's being stressed,

right, we are stressing this object.

But when the stress diminishes, you will notice that it

returns to its previous shape.

Right?

If I took an egg, for example, and I held it here, and I was to let it

go, and I ask you the question, is an egg a resilient object or body?

You would find that gravity and the force of the floor would prove to

you it's not a resilient object.

What is resilience?

The ability of something to get back to its former shape when it's under stress.

Now let me give you a simpler one.

If you missed the first one, here's an easier one.

I describe it like this.

Our ability to recover.

Our ability, your ability, yours and yours alone.

Your ability to recover.

Now listen to this next part.

Or, get better.

I used to just say recover, but now I say get better.

When you face difficulty, suffering, adversity, problems, rejection, or stress.

Can you, if you get rejected, if you fail, if something goes wrong, can you

get back to where you were quickly?

Or do you disappear in self loathing and self rejection, or blame for the next

month while life just drifts past you?

Can you get back to where you were quickly when things don't go how you want?

And can you possibly even get better, because some people do.

But I'll be honest, most people specialise in blame.

We'll talk about that in a minute.

Life doesn't go the way you want.

It's gotta be someone else's fault.

So let's find whose fault it is and blame them.

We'll touch on that towards the end.

Can you get back to where you were when things are difficult

and can you even get better?

First question, what is resilience?

We've defined it.

Why would you want it?

Because friends, I'm sorry, but successful people, how much success,

achieving whatever is significant to you.

If it's money, you do you.

If it's great relationships, you do you.

If it's global fame, you do you.

Whatever floats your boat, friends.

I don't know if you have that saying, we do.

Whatever works for you, whatever matters to you.

Let me just tell you that people who don't recover quickly from stress,

rejection, setback and failure don't get what they want, they don't.

If you want things, you will need to master this.

You will And I'm telling you because I was lousy at it for about three decades.

So I know what I'm talking about.

I want to teach it to you quickly.

What is resilience?

Your ability to recover or get stronger from setback, adversity, rejection.

Why do you want it?

Because if you want a successful life, you're going to have to have it.

Three, why is it hard to get at the moment?

Concentrate.

It's a quick session.

Why is it hard to get?

Friends, for most of history, every one of you would have woken up this morning.

For most of human history, we have been hominids for 4 million years.

We have been homo sapiens for 350, 000 years.

The brain in your body, right now, has not changed in 350, 000 years.

You've adapted to do basically three things.

Get up in the morning, find something to eat, find some shelter, and build

relationships to maintain your family.

That is what humans did for almost 4 million years.

So the only things you had to worry about were those three things.

Can I eat?

Can I stay out of a freezing environment, or a hot

environment, or don't get drowned?

And can I find someone to build a family with and just keep

my generations moving forward?

That's it.

Now that is not our life now.

The reason resilience is hard to get is because you face extraordinary

complexities from the moment you wake up.

Family, relationships, school, internet, tech, social, all of it.

So if it's hard to get, if you notice people cracking and caving

with anxiety, depression, self harm, eating, all that sort of stuff, it's

because we're living in an extremely complex world we're not adapted for.

So you're going to need to know some things to be able to navigate that, right?

What is resilience?

To be able to get back or improve, get stronger under adversity,

setback, rejection and failure.

Why do you want it?

Because if you want a successful life, friends, you're going to need it.

And three, why is it hard to get?

Because you're living in an extremely complex world, And

that's the opening finish.

Let's finish this off.

Let me show you the fourth question.

How do you do it?

Let me teach you what no one ever taught me.

Now concentrate.

You can hear the recording again, but I want you to get the first key principle.

If you want to become more resilient, why would you want to?

Because life's difficult.

Some of you, seniors maybe, have lived long enough.

Some of you, even younger, have lived long enough for life to have been difficult.

Basically kick some sand in your face already.

There are people sitting in the room with a difficult family backgrounds,

all sorts of problems and issues.

Some of you have had a pretty clear run.

So you've got to understand how to do this.

First key principle.

I want to teach you about the most important space in the world.

If you understand what I'm about to teach you and you can hold onto

this, it can, I promise, Be very transformative for the rest of your life.

What is the most important space in the world?

And so I'm gonna teach it.

I'm gonna give you three words.

I change them sometimes.

What did I use this morning?

Alright.

There is a space between two things.

Reality.

What does that mean?

You're going, I have no idea what you mean.

Let me explain it again.

There is a space between reality itself and a result.

What do I mean?

What is reality?

Reality is whatever happens to you.

Reality is whatever is literally happening to you.

The result is how you feel about what happens to you, whether you get

depressed, whether you get excited, whether you get resilient and positive.

That's the result, but there's some, there's a space in between.

And that's the most important space in the world.

What is it?

It's the story.

What's the story?

The story you tell yourself about what just happened.

Give you a simple example.

Let's say you're working really hard to get a particular grade, on a

particular test it's important to you.

You get a C That is reality.

Maybe you got a D.

That's a reality.

That is what has objectively happened.

What is the result?

Well, any possible results, you can have whatever you want.

You might feel depressed, you might feel miserable, you might blame your

teacher, you might blame your parents, you might blame the government,

you might blame the climate.

Whatever.

But friends, what you missed was the minute that thing landed on your desk, you

didn't even know you did the next thing.

It's happening so fast, which is what?

You told yourself a story, and it was happening so quick you

didn't even know it was happening.

Lands on your desk, C There are multiple stories.

Here's one.

I'm an idiot.

I'll never achieve anything.

I got this because I'm dumb.

And I've always been dumb.

And this just proves to me I'm dumb.

And instantly you get the result.

What do you feel?

You feel depressed.

You feel you're never going to get anywhere.

But there is a different story.

A story like, that's surprising, I just didn't do enough.

I've got to figure out how to do it better.

So the space between the reality and the result is the story.

And the person in control of the story will always and everywhere be

So when I was a senior, I was in a very elite sporting school, right?

And for two years I was focused on making the highest elite rugby team we had.

And it was the only thing that mattered.

It was the biggest thing for everybody.

And I gave two years of my life to that.

And there came a moment when they released a squad that was

travelling, and I didn't make that.

Reality, right?

That's the reality.

And then there's a story.

And what was the story?

The story's really simple.

I told myself, You're a loser.

You'll never make that.

And I hated myself for it.

And I felt depressed, and I withdrew into myself.

And years later, I suddenly went, Actually, what actually happened was

I learned how to push really hard.

I learned how to work.

I learned how I didn't know at the time, I told myself the wrong story.

But let me give you one more quickly, because this is the most important

part, most important space in the world.

The space between the reality in your life, results in your life, and the

story you tell yourself in between.

In the Second World War, some of you would know this.

massive concentration camp system.

Most, some of you would know the story, sadly some of you may have forgotten it.

Millions of people died.

Starvation, torture, you're probably familiar with it.

There's one guy in there called Viktor Frankl.

He wrote an important book, you come and see me at the end,

I'll tell you what the book was.

While millions of people are being gassed to death,

he survives.

He comes out the other side, he sits in a farmhouse ten days after being

freed, and he's, for two weeks and the book basically says there were two

kinds of people in there and only two.

The vast majority of people got imprisoned and instantly told themselves a story,

this is the worst thing ever, this is the worst suffering, I'm going to die,

this is terrible, and they did die.

And he said there was a tiny other group of people, it was incredibly

small, who said I will find a meaning in this, it's happening for a reason.

For him, he said I am going to survive this, I will survive it,

because I'm going to tell the entire world what happened here.

I'm going to tell him exactly what I witnessed and what I saw.

He found a reason.

Reality was, he was in exactly the same reality, but he found a different story.

Friends, that is the most important space in the world, so try this.

If all that's too complex, just try this.

You have got to get really good, really fast at mastering your internal

dialogue, your internal conversation.

When something happens, you get rejected, you like someone, they don't like you.

Whatever happens, whatever things happen to you, if you do not get really good

at listening to what you are saying to yourself and choosing a better story.

You're going to be in trouble.

So master that internal dialogue as quickly as possible.

That's two down.

The next ones are really simple.

You ready?

Get around good people.

It's up to you what you want to do, but I've lived long enough to

know that if you get around good people, what are good people?

People who want some of the same things you want.

People who care about you and want you to win.

If you want to be more resilient, you want to be around the kind

of people that say to you, yeah, that's a bad result, but you're

capable of this, you're really good.

Because you can be just as easy around people who are going to say.

Don't worry about it.

It doesn't matter.

It's not important because they need to keep you where they are.

Your choice!

But even on this trip in America, we've been here for a month, through San

Francisco, Detroit, Florida, here, I've been around some phenomenal people.

Interesting, passionate, successful people.

And it just makes me better.

It just makes me go, this is great, you're interesting.

I want to do more of what you're doing.

So get around good people.

Number one, master the most important space in the world.

Reality, story, result.

Two, get around good people.

Think now, are the people you're spending most of your time with,

Helping you to really grow and become who God's made you to be.

I don't know.

I don't know you.

I'm not going to get to know you, unfortunately, the way, you know,

that would help me to figure that out.

You, you have to answer that.

But you do get a vote.

Time, we're good.

This is my favourite.

I swear this is my favourite.

Number four.

Friends, I'm going to give you two words.

If you can do these two words, you're going to be so far

ahead of most of the planet.

Now listen carefully.

It's just two words.

Stop

blaming.

Concentrate.

Some of you terrible things may have happened to you.

I'm not talking about bullying or abuse.

Those things need to be reported and dealt with.

But what most humans are doing most of the time, if life is not the way you want

it, you will look around and try and find someone to blame for what's happening.

You can blame your parents.

You can blame your teachers.

You can blame anyone you want.

Now concentrate.

Half a million people around the world in live events.

Detroit the other day, 3, 000 people in the room.

I get a line of people who want to talk to me.

Here's what happens over and over again all around the world.

Somebody will come up to me and they will tell me a story that is heartbreaking.

They will tell me a true story about suffering, or hardship,

or pain, or childhood trauma.

And I do two things, and I only ever do two things.

First thing, I listen, I listen compassionately, intently.

Respecting their dignity as human persons.

I listen very carefully, I empathize with their story, and I tell them I get it.

And then I do the next thing, and listen to the next three words.

After hearing their story carefully, I say three very important words.

Listen to them.

And, now what?

And now what?

What happened to you is true.

Dude, it's terrible.

I, I agree for you.

I think what happened to you was awful.

But you've still got to live.

So friends, I've got to do this carefully because if you hear me

wrong you think I'm saying it doesn't matter what happens to you in life.

Yeah, it does.

We get wounded, we get hurt, bad people do bad things.

But try and understand this, the minute you're in blame, listen, the

minute you are in blame, you are surrendering your power to someone else.

You really are, because you are making somebody else responsible

for your experience of life.

So, the small percentage of people who will get resilient and successful, you

have got to start, just start from now.

Take a radical responsibility for your life.

Don't blame anyone.

Please, stop blaming.

Master the smallest space in the world.

Reality, story, result.

Get around good people.

Stop blaming.

Stop it.

Just don't do it again.

We live in a culture everywhere that just maximizes it.

Turn on your television, internet for five seconds, it's someone else's fault.

Probably.

And now what?

Okay?

Almost done.

I didn't want to do this one, but I gotta do it.

I'm not going down the rabbit hole with it, but I do offer you this.

If you want to be resilient, if you want to be in the smaller

percentage of truly happy, successful people, I will give you an opinion.

That's all it is.

It's tech is not your friend.

This is not the speech about don't use your phones, but I will just

say to you, tech is not your friend.

Social media, best I can tell girls, is, it's unlikely you come off the

back of ten years of social media.

You're completely comfortable with your body and your place in the world

and how you feel about yourself.

I'm not your parents.

I don't know.

But I know what the research says, because I got two postgraduate degrees,

two master's degrees, and I'm yet to see a research study that says social

media is helping people to flourish in life and get more resilient.

Good luck finding one.

I'm just telling you, if you want to be resilient, I would be super careful.

about how much you're using, what you're accessing, and

how much of your life it owns.

Up to you.

But it's not your friend, it's not going to help you flourish.

I'm really disciplined, I'm super disciplined, even how much I read

it, when I read it, when I use it.

On the other side of that, you want to get more resilient, increase

your activity, sleep and exercise.

I know you hate that speech.

I'm not going to do it in any detail.

But I spoke to a guy a couple of years ago in a public school.

He's a senior in a public school, tough school.

I said, hey, you look really tired today.

And he said, yeah.

He goes, oh, I set up late.

I said, how late?

And he goes, well, I've got a big flat screen in my room.

And this guy just watches like extreme horror films every night till 2 a.

m.

And he's like, why am I, why am I like not my best self?

So you do you, I just offer that if you want to be resilient, you want

to be successful, you're going to have a much better chance if you

get enough rest, exercise and sleep.

Almost done.

Okay, three to go really quickly.

Here's one of my personal favourites.

Do hard.

You want to be resilient?

It's literally a muscle.

You, you, like, seriously, you increase it by doing what?

Hard things.

I run ultra marathons.

I got a 109K run I'm supposed to do when I get back.

And I did a training run the other day, 30K training run.

Had to get up at 3.

30 in the morning to do it.

I blew both calf muscles, uh, calf muscles 5K in.

It's too far to go back, so I just want to keep going.

I'm not telling you to do that, but for the last 30 years, I've

just done a lot of hard things.

If you want to be resilient, ask yourself the question, in the last week, in the

last month, in the last year, what have you done that has been genuinely hard?

Something that was scary, something that was difficult, something

that forced you to really grow.

If you're not doing hard things, it is a muscle, and if you don't

want to stretch it or strain it, it's not going to improve.

Do hard things.

Friends, pray for grace.

You want to get more resilient?

Pray for it.

Get up in the morning and just ask God, say, help me to be more resilient.

Help me to take what you've given me and make something of it.

Pray for it.

I pray for it every day in different ways.

Ask God to give you what you need.

Pray to become a one percenter.

I'm no one's judge.

I don't want to tell you that God loves anyone more or less because he doesn't.

But it's up to you whether you want to get into a certain

percentage of reality or not.

It's up to you.

But you've got to do hard things and you've got to ask for grace to do it.

Last point, we're finished.

Uh, you're going to fail at times,

but you have to get up and keep moving forward.

The next test you fail, the next relationship that's not what you want it

to be, the next circumstance that isn't your preference, you've got options.

Blame, depression, whatever.

Or you can get up and keep moving forward.

Summary friends, the big if.

If there was something that you could learn that would

move you forward, what is it?

Well, resilience is a big part of it.

What is it?

Your ability to get back into shape or even better after dealing with

rejection, hardship and adversity.

Why would you want it?

Because it's the price.

Do you understand things cost things?

Like there's prices for things.

The price of an extraordinary life is basically being not like other people.

You've got to be different.

You have to be more resilient.

You have to know what you want and stay on track and keep going and

keep getting up when it's difficult.

Or you can blame people and quit.

That's up to you.

Isn't that incredible freedom?

You have that freedom.

Like, 30, 40 years time, we bring you back, your life will

kind of be that story, right?

Some of you will have suffered and had difficult things and just kept going, and

some of you will be still blaming people.

Just choose which group you want to be in.

Ask God for grace, and keep getting up when it's difficult.

I'm done.

Turn to the person next to you, and just look them in the eye,

and say, get up, and keep walking.

Thank you friends, God bless.