In the business of modern life, it’s very easy to overlook the importance of social connections and why they matter. We all can so quickly get on the treadmill of the day-to-day and then one day we wonder why we feel restless, disconnected, and even downright lonely. In this first part of a three-part series, I share with you why your friendships and social connections are more important than ever and why you need to make them a priority.
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Transcript
Well, Hey everybody, Jonathan Doyle with you.
Speaker:Once again, welcome aboard to the daily podcast.
Speaker:We're really glad to have the pleasure of your company.
Speaker:Thank you for joining me.
Speaker:Please make sure you have subscribed, hit that big subscribe button, wherever you're
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Speaker:You are on.
Speaker:And what else we got for housekeeping.
Speaker:I'm doing a YouTube version every day.
Speaker:So if you want to see me live and, uh, the video is pretty cool.
Speaker:And the following on that YouTube channel has been growing nicely.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:If you like video content, there will be a link across to the YouTube version here.
Speaker:So please make sure you check that out.
Speaker:And, uh, what else?
Speaker:There will be a link here for coaching with me.
Speaker:If you feel that there is some area of your life you would like to grow in that I
Speaker:want you to go and hit that coaching link.
Speaker:Book yourself, a coaching call with me anywhere in the world.
Speaker:We'll do it over zoom.
Speaker:Uh, they are fantastic.
Speaker:What can you expect?
Speaker:We are going to talk a little bit about the challenges in your life.
Speaker:They could be relational.
Speaker:It could be business that could be professional.
Speaker:It could be health.
Speaker:Whatever those challenges are, what you can expect is that
Speaker:we're going to get really clear on what, uh, what the goal is.
Speaker:What you want to change, and then I'm going to help you specifically figure
Speaker:out exactly how to create the result you are off to eight can be done.
Speaker:So if you're looking for a change in some area of life, go and hit
Speaker:that coaching button and, uh, let's begin that process friends.
Speaker:This is part one.
Speaker:Oh, the three-day process I'm going to be doing.
Speaker:I felt that one of the things that so many of us are dealing with is the complexity.
Speaker:Busy-ness the frenetic pace of modern life, the sense of overwhelm
Speaker:that can be so real for many of us, the sense of stress and anxiety.
Speaker:And as I was preparing these topics, I realized that there's a, there's
Speaker:a, there's a difference, right?
Speaker:Like,
Speaker:There are some people who just through biology, psychology background.
Speaker:They just tend to roll along through life and nothing much gets to them.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:You make those people from time to time and.
Speaker:I make them and I'm like, wow, how do they do that?
Speaker:Because for many of us live can just be so full of challenges.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:There's just so much.
Speaker:Uh, stress and complexity and busy-ness and.
Speaker:I just felt it would be good for us to take a three-day exploration so you
Speaker:can do it with me here on the podcast.
Speaker:You can do it with me on YouTube.
Speaker:With the links below or whatever works for you.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:What I thought we would explore together.
Speaker:It was three key areas.
Speaker:And the first two around what I call weakened social connections.
Speaker:The second day, we're going to talk about a weakened exposure to nature.
Speaker:And finally, I want to talk about technological complexity.
Speaker:These three things I think are behind a significant part of what stressing us out.
Speaker:So all of us are going to experience a little bit differently.
Speaker:But I want to talk about all three and give you some good data on them.
Speaker:And I want to make sure that in each episode we're looking
Speaker:at practical things we can do.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:If you would like to distress a little bit, if you'd like to dial down the
Speaker:amount of stress in your life, then please make sure you're, you're checking
Speaker:in each day for the next three days.
Speaker:Because we're going to do some stuff together.
Speaker:That's going to be really helpful.
Speaker:So what can you expect?
Speaker:You can expect that at the end of this shit, the very least you're
Speaker:going to have a sense of some of the issues and areas to be more aware of.
Speaker:And you're also going to have some practical things you can put in place.
Speaker:So let's begin.
Speaker:In this short episode today, we're going to, I want to talk
Speaker:about weakened social connections.
Speaker:Where do I start?
Speaker:One of the reasons.
Speaker:That we are such an extraordinary species is we evolved for
Speaker:cooperation and connection.
Speaker:We're a species that learn to collaborate, cooperate.
Speaker:Very early in our evolutionary journey.
Speaker:So social connectedness is a crucial aspect of evolutionary
Speaker:biology and evolutionary psychology.
Speaker:So what has happened?
Speaker:In a very short space of, I guess, Cosmological time is these social
Speaker:connections have been weakened massively.
Speaker:So, what we need to do is talk a little bit about what that looks like
Speaker:and what we can do to change it now.
Speaker:I did some research on this.
Speaker:There's really interesting.
Speaker:I found some really good stuff published by Stanford university.
Speaker:Talking about the impacts of weakened social connections.
Speaker:On a health.
Speaker:Let me read you this thing here.
Speaker:It says lack of social connection, lack of social connection.
Speaker:Is a greater threat to health.
Speaker:Wait for it.
Speaker:Then obesity smoking and high blood pressure.
Speaker:There that does not mean if you've got great social connections, you're
Speaker:allowed to go and take up smoking.
Speaker:That is not the point.
Speaker:But in terms of tracking people over the life course, People with
Speaker:really strong social connections.
Speaker:According to this research possible, they're called
Speaker:positive social connections.
Speaker:I have a 50%.
Speaker:Chance of increased longevity, strengthened immune response,
Speaker:faster recovery from illness, lower levels of anxiety and depression.
Speaker:Higher self-esteem greater empathy and they are more trusting.
Speaker:And co-operative.
Speaker:Now that would just be one thing from Stanford, but I'm sure we could find
Speaker:a huge number of studies that would reflect something quite similar.
Speaker:So, I don't know if you've thought about it, but we can social
Speaker:connections, not only drive stress, but also drive poor health.
Speaker:So the purpose of this message that I used to put it on your radar.
Speaker:And to help you get more conscious about it.
Speaker:And then another piece of research that I came across was that in 1985,
Speaker:A large group of people were surveyed.
Speaker:And the question was, how many people do you have that you could really
Speaker:confide in somebody that you could, if something was going wrong in your life?
Speaker:That you could really go and talk to that.
Speaker:You could just unburden yourself and be really open and transparent and vulnerable
Speaker:about some significant issue in your life.
Speaker:Now in 1985 and then did this research.
Speaker:The average person said they had three people that they could turn to.
Speaker:Three people that they could turn to.
Speaker:Now by 2004 in a followup study, that number had turned to zero.
Speaker:The average number was zero.
Speaker:The average person in the followup study basically said, I have nobody.
Speaker:I have no one that I could really go and talk to be completely honest with
Speaker:something I've been teaching for many, many years is the principle of telling
Speaker:someone the truth I've often said,
Speaker:You got to have one, at least one person in your life.
Speaker:You can tell the truth too.
Speaker:I mean, all of the truth, all of the truth.
Speaker:And it's.
Speaker:It's an edifying reality at times, right?
Speaker:But isn't that interesting that just in the space of how many years is that?
Speaker:15 that's 19 years.
Speaker:That cross culturally.
Speaker:It had imploded that fast.
Speaker:So, I'm not saying we need to run out and bear our secrets to everybody, but
Speaker:isn't it interesting to realize that.
Speaker:Eh, you know, culturally that we have got to a point.
Speaker:With so many people struggle to find somebody to talk to.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:These weakened social connections, my friend, or a significant part of
Speaker:what is driving some of the mental health issues, the depression,
Speaker:the anxiety across our lives.
Speaker:So, whether it's you that I'm talking to specifically, or as you listen to me,
Speaker:you're thinking about a family member or a friend who's really struggling.
Speaker:I think this is going to be an important part of the picture.
Speaker:So what I want to do.
Speaker:As I said, I've laid out the issue.
Speaker:I mean in summary, we are highly social creatures, but most of us
Speaker:in our living in a time in history where for complex reasons technology.
Speaker:Uh, complexity of life, financial issues, all sorts of stuff.
Speaker:Our social connections for many of us have been profoundly weakened.
Speaker:So here's what we're going to do.
Speaker:I've got four things.
Speaker:I want you to have to think about each of these number one is get deliberate.
Speaker:Get deliberate simply means that nothing in our life really changes.
Speaker:Usually we want to create significant change in life.
Speaker:The first parameter is pain.
Speaker:Pain is the catalyst that creates significant change often in our lives.
Speaker:You know, sometimes people sit in a room and they just think about their lives.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:You know what?
Speaker:I should change that.
Speaker:And they just come to change because they've thought it through.
Speaker:Most of us don't have that experience.
Speaker:Most of us when we really need to change something in our lives,
Speaker:we get there because things have gone sideways for so long.
Speaker:It's the reason alcoholics anonymous has.
Speaker:The concept of rock bottom.
Speaker:You know, alcoholics don't tend to change when things are going.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:They tend to change when everything falls apart.
Speaker:So the first point.
Speaker:Is as you survey your life at the moment and you think of your social connections.
Speaker:You know, some of you listening to be going, man, look in general.
Speaker:It's pretty good.
Speaker:Well, if it's pretty good, it could get much, much better.
Speaker:You could have really rich, deep, profound relationships that are just
Speaker:so full of life, enjoying connection that you never thought it was possible.
Speaker:And on the other end, they'll be some of you listening who are really
Speaker:lonely loneliness is a huge thing.
Speaker:You're struggling for connection every day.
Speaker:Just grinds on like the one before it.
Speaker:So all of us, wherever we are on that spectrum need to get deliberate.
Speaker:We need to go, you know what.
Speaker:Social connectedness matters, you know?
Speaker:The French have a saying that the goal of life is not to be the
Speaker:richest person in the graveyard.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:So the goal of life is not to just grind on indefinitely, telling yourself
Speaker:that some point in the future, you are going to make time for friendship,
Speaker:because by the time you get there,
Speaker:You may not have many people around to share it with.
Speaker:So we want to get deliberate, ask yourself, do an audit.
Speaker:Where are you with your social connectedness?
Speaker:Where are you with your friendships?
Speaker:You know, it's interesting.
Speaker:One of my brothers rang me the other day.
Speaker:I hadn't spoken to him for, for weeks and well, you know, we get on really well.
Speaker:You.
Speaker:But he's, he's moved to a different part of the country.
Speaker:It was really poignant listening to his voice and just realizing that I
Speaker:got to do some work on that connection.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:I'm actually going to take one of my kids and we're going to jump
Speaker:on the motorbike and it's better.
Speaker:I think it's about a 4,000 kilometer ride, but we're going to head up there and,
Speaker:uh, and see him because that matters.
Speaker:And another dear friend of mine sent me a picture today, uh, from
Speaker:the hospital with his brother.
Speaker:Who's.
Speaker:So sadly passing away with cancer and he sent me the most beautiful photograph
Speaker:of the two of them that were there.
Speaker:So these moments of social connectedness is so crucial and, you know, we
Speaker:don't want to be trapped in loaning.
Speaker:The said, number one, get deliberate.
Speaker:Number two.
Speaker:If you want to increase social connectedness, the research that
Speaker:I looked at suggested that instead of actually focusing on yourself,
Speaker:The, you need a paradoxical intention, which is you need to focus on others.
Speaker:See.
Speaker:Often, if we're lonely, we can fall into that SIF self referential dynamic, right?
Speaker:Where we look at our own pain.
Speaker:We look at ourselves, we look at our suffering.
Speaker:And we get stuck there, but the research is pretty clear that the more
Speaker:you focus on others, how by learning to give more, share more, do more
Speaker:for and with others, then your social connectedness tends to increase.
Speaker:I see what I mean?
Speaker:So the way out of social connectedness, isn't a relentless focus on your
Speaker:own happiness or your loneliness.
Speaker:The way out of limited social connectedness is to focus intensely or
Speaker:more intensely on the people around you.
Speaker:What can you do for them?
Speaker:What can you offer them?
Speaker:What can you help them with?
Speaker:What can you offer?
Speaker:To do like today, I reached out to a friend of mine and I said, Hey, I'm
Speaker:going to take the kids camping on Friday.
Speaker:Do you want to come bring your kids?
Speaker:You know, just, let's just take this opportunity.
Speaker:Let's reach out.
Speaker:And he really enjoyed.
Speaker:It'd be really good for him and his kids.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:You know, my focus, like any human intention it's mixed, right.
Speaker:Because I thought it'd be nice for me.
Speaker:It'd be nice for my kids to have a bigger group.
Speaker:But my original intention was inclusivity was including that person.
Speaker:And reaching out to them and itching, which increases.
Speaker:The social connectedness, right?
Speaker:Number three.
Speaker:Um, Again, a little paradoxically.
Speaker:He has self care.
Speaker:Often, if we're struggling with loneliness and a sense of pointlessness
Speaker:or isolation, we often forget to take decent care of ourselves.
Speaker:So we get tighter.
Speaker:We get more inshallah.
Speaker:And the research again is pretty clear that if you begin to focus more on
Speaker:self care on getting enough sleep, getting enough rest being in a good
Speaker:place yourself, you tend to be more able to engage in social connectedness.
Speaker:Right?
Speaker:So.
Speaker:Again, it's paradoxical.
Speaker:The more you focus on.
Speaker:Is this almost, I've just contradicted the second point, but not quite.
Speaker:You know, the more that you look after yourself, the more
Speaker:you're in a place to be open and receptive to the people around you.
Speaker:And finally number four is, is simply to ask for help to actually consciously
Speaker:and deliberately tell people when things are not going well in your life.
Speaker:You know, actually reach out to people and say, look, can we catch up?
Speaker:You know, until the truth.
Speaker:Tell the truth, like, you know, Brenae brown pioneered that
Speaker:whole vulnerability thing, right?
Speaker:Like sometimes we assume.
Speaker:That if we, you know, we, we have to have it all together
Speaker:that we have to present this.
Speaker:You know, thing to the world where we always look, you.
Speaker:We were figuring it out.
Speaker:And many of us aren't.
Speaker:And none of us have got it all figured out.
Speaker:So sometimes you've got to ask you actually got to reach out and surround
Speaker:ourselves with one or two people that we can really tell the truth to.
Speaker:So friends, that's it.
Speaker:On this first episode on social connectedness.
Speaker:You want to beat some of that?
Speaker:Challenge that we face in modern life, the depression, the anxiety, the
Speaker:uncertainty, the loneliness, the stress.
Speaker:Well, this is one of the first building blocks.
Speaker:So I want you to go from this message.
Speaker:And I want you to start thinking more about who do you need to ring?
Speaker:Who do you need to send a message to who do you need to hang out
Speaker:with that you haven't hung out with for a considerable period of time?
Speaker:All right.
Speaker:So that's the first building block tomorrow.
Speaker:I'm going to talk about weakened exposure to nature because
Speaker:I got a real heart for this.
Speaker:I think that many of us are living such busy frenetic lives.
Speaker:That we've totally forgotten what it's like.
Speaker:To reconnect to nature and what a text is going to do for us and in us.
Speaker:So please tune in tomorrow.
Speaker:You're gonna get some great stuff out of that.
Speaker:Go and check out that coaching link.
Speaker:If you're ready to grow, if you want to work through a process, that's really
Speaker:going to get you move to the next level.
Speaker:Take the risk.
Speaker:You know, hit that, uh, coaching link com and find out more.
Speaker:And, uh, and we're going to help you grow.
Speaker:All right everybody god bless you please make sure you've subscribed share this
Speaker:with family and friends my name's jonathan doyle this has been the daily podcast and
