You’re Not Stuck — You’re Loyal to Your Wounds

You think you're stuck.

You're not stuck.

You're loyal to a wound that you've quietly built your whole life around

My friend, this is a challenging episode for all of us, for me

personally, and for you, no doubt.

No matter who we are, all of us listening right now have wounds in our lives.

It seems to be part of this great human story that all of us, to

differing degrees, have wounds.

Things happen to us.

Sometimes terrible things happen to us.

Things are said to us that can have truly life-changing implications.

So I guess the first thing I wanna say is I don't discount for a second

anything that's happened to anybody, and I'm not minimizing any of the

things that we've been to, been through.

So I guess the first thing I'd say is I wanna take us on a little journey here,

because the risk that can happen to us in life, and one of the things that's

gonna really hold us back, is that what happens to us, we allow to define us.

I think I said a few episodes ago that, that grief is a

place that we pass through.

It's not a place where we build a house.

And I guess at the heart of this message is, is shining a light on the idea

that for many of us, the trauma of our pasts can become an identity for us.

Some things can be so difficult that we build, uh, an identity around them.

We kind of ossify.

We, we freeze or lock around the things that can happen to us.

Now, I'm not a mental health professional, so I guess I should make

a disclaimer here that, that, that, uh, if anything we discuss, I'm gonna

be super careful in this message.

I'm gonna keep it pretty broad.

But, uh, if you maybe, maybe you do need to get some more,

uh, serious, uh, support.

All right?

But let me begin again by saying that the wounds that we experience are very real.

So injustices do happen.

Abuse does happen.

Challenging, difficult, awful things happen.

Parents die tragically.

Children can die tragically.

W- So many things can happen to us that can profoundly shape

the experience of our life.

But sometimes what can happen is that it stops being about what happened to

us, and it becomes kinda who we are.

It becomes the explanation for our lives.

It's an identity.

It's the reason that we can't do X. So one, I guess, way of thinking

about is that in a sense, in a strange sense, we can become loyal to our

wounds because they're familiar And also because they can excuse us, and

that's quite challenging, isn't it?

'Cause if you don't hear that the right way, you think I'm saying, "Oh, well,

you think people just have these terrible experiences and, and then because they

can't function the way they'd really like to, that you're blaming them?" No.

I think what happens is that we can just allow the sadnesses and the

sorrows of life to hold us back, and then when we find ourselves so

unhappy and so unfulfilled, we're like, "Well, what can we expect?"

You know, "This is what happened to me, and I can't get past this." I can

promise you that I have lived this.

Without going into any gory details, I've lived this.

I, I've had challenges and things happen, um, when I'm younger that can really…

that, that had a huge impact on me.

I'm talking decades.

Why I do this work is because I literally spent decades trapped in these kinds of

ideas and cycles and couldn't get free.

So I've reached an age and a stage and have been, you know, by the grace of God,

had so much healing and transformation over time that, that my heart is to share

this and to offer people ways to think about it that could be really helpful.

So, one of the challenges that we face is that if we let go of having

an identity built in the negative things that have happened to us,

it feels like a kind of betrayal.

'Cause especially if somebody's done something to you, uh, if

something's happened to you, it's like you feel that if I decide to

let go of that identity, that they're let- they're getting off the hook.

And somebody said to me recently that acceptance is not for them.

Uh, uh, forgiveness is not for them or acceptance is not for them, it's for you.

This is one of the powerful principles that forgiveness frees you.

It's not for them, it frees you, because being trapped in that memory or that s-

what that circumstance is, is hard, right?

Like we get locked in there.

It doesn't justify anything that people do, but the act of internal

forgiveness begins to free us up to live a different life.

It opens a door back into power, agency, and freedom.

So I don't believe that God wants any of us to build our identities in the

terrible things that have happened to us.

Yes, they do shape us profoundly But I often think, you know, for i-i-in the

Christian story, when Jesus, after the crucifixion, he comes back after the

resurrection, and you will know this, that his wounds from the crucifixion

are still present in his glorified body.

You'd think, you know, he's been through the crucifixion, he's been through the

resurrection, his body would be perfect and healed and whole, but he still has

those wounds in his hands and in his side.

And theologians have really speculated on this, and we call them glorified

wounds because it's almost like God's trying to tell us something.

He's like, "Yeah, we do go through suffering and loss, but on the other

side of it, in our resurrected selves in a way, the wounds are still there, but

they're glorified. They're a testament to what we've been through. They're a

testament to what we've been through."

Um And they become such a powerful part of our story.

Like, I look at my life now and the challenges and setbacks that I have,

and I'm just in awe of the healing and the grace that I've been given,

and I want that for everybody.

So your wounds could be utterly profound.

There are some people who've lived through the most terrible, terrible

things, and yet somehow find a way out.

And there are some of us who've maybe not been through terrible things,

but, you know, pe- things have still been said, bullying and hard

words and things that stick with us.

So we've all-- we're all somewhere on a spectrum with this, right?

From profound life-changing trauma to just re- you know, sadness and

grief over things that were said and done that we wish were different.

And I'm sorry it's that way.

It, it's just this side of heaven, all of us, no one gets through life without 'em.

No one.

No one.

But I guess the question in this message is, do we have to stay there?

Do we have to build an identity in there?

How often do I say that there are two spirits moving through the cosmos, right?

There is a spirit that wants your healing, your light, your power, your growth, your

energy, your joy, your inspiration to break out and be in every day of your life

and bless people and transform situations.

And there is another spirit in the world that is desperate for you to be

trapped and small and hiding and broken.

I just see the world in, in a binary sense that way, and I know what my heart

is for you, and what God's heart is for you, is that, yes, things happened, and

I don't minimize that for one second But don't be loyal to that as your only story.

Don't be loyal to that as your only story.

How do you get through this?

Look, again, probably need a longer podcast, right?

Acceptance and forgiveness at the right time, and that forgiveness doesn't even

have to be offered to people involved.

It can just be a heart disposition.

I choose, I choose forgiveness, I choose to move forward, I choose

a different life, I choose to let go of bitterness and resentment.

And this could be really hard to hear for some people.

I get it, because it's like, "Well, you don't know what happened?"

No, I don't know what happened, but I know what's happened to me,

and I know what unlocked the door.

Forgiveness, acceptance, and the other part is a radical

responsibility for my own life.

This is a really unpopular idea.

It's that because we're a, a society that at the moment is very focused

on trauma and legitimizing everything as trauma and maximizing the focus on

trauma, that when you say to somebody, "Yeah, look, I know this happened and

I know it was terrible, and yes, I agree that it's real," people build the

identity there and they don't step into their life because of what happened.

And I, I'm careful of using the word as an excuse, but it's like, "Well, I can't

do this because this happened." But one of the ways out is just this awakening

where you just go, "You know what?

Yeah, it happened, but I have this incredible responsibility to take my

life back, to take my story back, to step out of the prison and to build this life

again as my testament and as my revenge."

I say this to people a lot in coaching.

I'm like, "You know, the sweetest revenge you can get in life if

you've been through really difficult things, the sweetest revenge is

eventually to live a magnificent life. It is the sweetest revenge."

Feels crazy now go to housekeeping, but please, if you're on Instagram,

come and follow me, JDoyleSpeaks.

Website Jonathandoyle.co.co.

I'm on YouTube at Jonathan Doyle Speaks.

And, uh, if you like the podcast, please subscribe, share it with people.

I'm sure you've got some friends you know that have been through difficult things.

Maybe this message could be a real blessing to them today.

All right, you ready?

Let's wrap up

The wounds in your life deserve to be grieved, not worshiped.

Lay it down, not because it didn't matter, but because you matter more